


The more I love you

by enigmaticma



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, I am running out of ideas, I didn't follow the prompt request fully sorry, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Love, M/M, not enough pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-27
Updated: 2020-03-27
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:35:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23350303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmaticma/pseuds/enigmaticma
Summary: After three years of dating in secret, Baekhyun feels like they have reached the end of the road. He is done hiding their love, he is sick of running around and dating in the shadows, done lying and hiding part of himself. Jongin doesn't want to reveal their relationship; Baekhyun can't keep doing this anymore and breaks up with him. Jongin, however, is convinced that they are the ones for each other.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Jongin | Kai
Comments: 6
Kudos: 33
Collections: Ethereal Boys Bonus Round





	The more I love you

Baekhyun was done.

He was sitting in a coffee shop, on a date with Jongin, when some co-workers got them and they had to play it off as if they were just chilling. “We wanted to try this coffee shop’s coffee, so here we are,” Jongin explained to them as Baekhyun was seriously displeased and preferred not to talk.

“Well, it was nice to stay and chat but I am beat,” Baekhyun said with a chuckle, “I’ll head home.”

Jongin gave him a look of shock, before noticing Baekhyun’s subtly pissed look. He held the car’s keys, “Do you want me to take you home? I drove you here.” Baekhyun simply dismissed him and left the coffee shop. He needed a moment to think anyway.

Baekhyun realized he was tired of all that. He was tired of hiding what he had with Jongin and he wanted to stop it. He wanted to live a normal life with no stress and no deception. It took him an hour to reach home, in which he bought ice cream to cool his nerves. He knew what he had to say, how to say it, but he didn’t know how to face Jongin with it.

He loved the man so much.

Reaching the building he lived in with Jongin, Baekhyun stood and observed the front door. A wave of anxiety hit him as he approached it. The House’s lights were all on, sounds of steps filling the silence of the small space. Jongin was already home, pacing around when Baekhyun got in and stopped to face him, ready to scold the man, scream, yell, but for some reason kept his lips sealed. Baekhyun just plopped down and sighed, “I want to break up,” Baekhyun kept his eyes on the ceiling as he announced it. “This relationship is not working, Jongin. We can’t be open about it…”

“You are just stressed from work, Baek,” Jongin sat by his side, looking pale and worried, “let us sleep on it. Okay?” Baekhyun didn’t move and observed Jongin for a moment.

“I don’t want to force you to do anything to make me happy, so don’t try to force me to stay,” Baekhyun mumbled, his voice breaking at the sob that threatened to leave his lips. “I am so tired of this, I am sorry. I can’t do it anymore. I want to touch your hand in public. I want to have normal dates with you in public, Jongin, but we can’t have it. Even living together fills you with anxiety, and I am so done with that.” Jongin said nothing as Baekhyun left his side for the bedroom. He picked the biggest suitcase and filled it with his clothes. “I think Kyungsoo still has my old room empty so I can go back and live there.”

Without looking at Jongin, Baekhyun said as he was packing. Jongin, who sat down in bed, looking too shocked to function, whimpered “are you leaving me? For real? You aren’t going to hear me out?”

“I heard you and I stayed,” Baekhyun looked up to meet his empty eyes with glossy ones. “I love you, Jongin, and if I can’t express that freely then there is nothing to talk about. You want something I am not ready to give.” Jongin wanted to object, he really did, but his mind was just a mess. Baekhyun closed his suitcase and stood up. “Maybe,” Jongin looked up to meet Baekhyun’s eyes, as the man shed tears, “we weren’t meant to be together at all, Jongin.”

Jongin stood at that, “no,” he approached Baekhyun who tried to detach himself but still managed to hold Baekhyun’s cheeks and make him look right into his eyes, “we belong to each other, Baek. Please don’t go.” Jongin kissed Baekhyun’s teary eyes, mumbling “sorry,” and “don’t go,” over and over.

Baekhyun allowed himself that moment of weakness. “I love you,” he mumbled as he pushed Jongin’s hands from his face and held them, “but I can’t live in a secret anymore. I don’t want to be a secret. I am so done with that.” Jongin was about to object, “I know you want us to secure our career before letting anyone know but… it is taking a toll on me, Jongin. I can’t keep up like this no matter how much I love you.” With that, Baekhyun left Jongin standing in the bedroom. He went to Kyungsoo’s place, trying hard not to cry all the way to the man’s place. 

Kyungsoo was shocked to say the least. He was one of those who believed Baekhyun and Jongin would never break up but as Baekhyun sobbed his pain, it all made sense to him. That wasn’t the first time Baekhyun writhed in pain due to how discriminating society was and how terrified Jongin was of it. 

Baekhyun loved to love openly. He always was like that. “I am just too tired to keep on pretending,” Baekhyun mumbled through his hiccups, “I am so tired of hiding while all those people can date freely.” Kyungsoo could understand that completely

Kyungsoo, despite being married and quite settled with his wife, insisted on Baekhyun to stay over until he settled down in a small studio near his job place.

He didn’t leave his job, despite how painful it felt to go there and see Jongin act like he was a mere friend. Because he and Jongin invested a lot in their jobs, he couldn’t just throw everything. He was glad that Jongin was in a department different from his because he could go early in the morning and leave early enough to avoid meeting him,  using the excuse of rent hunting to escape meeting anyone.

He did that for a week before things started to change. First of all, a lunch box was delivered to his office by the mail boy. He never said who sent it but Baekhyun knew Jongin was making lunch for the both of them and sending it over. It did a lot of things to him as he ate it. His office mate found him shedding tears as he got in, “you okay, Baek?”

“Yeah, just missed my family,” Baekhyun lied, “I haven't eaten homemade food in ages. I truly need a break to go see them.”

His coworker nodded, “I visit them at least once a month so I miss my mom. It’s hard to rely on delivery every day.” Baekhyun nodded, finishing his box and dried his tears as he drifted the subject toward their job.

Before leaving the office, the mail boy offered him a wrapped flower with a note, “for you.” Baekhyun smiled at him and opened the card first. “Know that I love you and I will prove to you that we are meant to be together. With love, KJI”

Baekhyun held the card and freed the flower which he did put in a vase on the office. He ignored the comment of his coworker and finished packing to leave. He made sure the card was in his pocket until he got in his small studio, hanging it in the small fridge he bought.

He wondered as he lay down in bed if he made the right decision because as sleep wrapped his mind, all he could think of was how he missed Jongin’s cuddly antics. 

Same as well were his mornings; dull, silent, cold, which opposed the lively cozy cuddly mornings with Jongin… A routine he wasn’t ready to stop expecting, The next day he found a small teddy bear with a note in his office: “I missed cuddling you -KJI”

Baekhyun felt tears about to burst out of his eyes but he still sniffed, hiding the stuffed doll and the card, not without giving it one kiss. He had a normal morning when he got the lunch box and sighed reading the card. “Did you sleep well? -KJI”

He realized he had to talk to the man at some point, because Jongin is using his weaknesses and it was unfair. He shook his head, “I need to be strong. He will stop eventually.”

Two weeks went on and he didn’t stop, in fact, he even went harder on the gifts which made everybody in the company think he got a secret admirer. He never allowed them to read the cards as the initials were obvious, so they were allowed to guess. People surprisingly paired him with men and he didn’t deny nor approve their guesses. He just ignored them.

By the third week, Baekhyun felt too emotionally tired to work. He caught himself talking to his empty house, forgetting he wasn’t living with Jongin, many times that week. Sleep became hard to reach and even with the stuffed animals that Jongin sent him, he couldn’t sleep at all.

“I miss you so much, please come back. –KJI” Baekhyun considered it. He had no other choice. No matter how independent he is, he depended on Jongin in many aspects of his life. The first one, Baekhyun had yet again another anxiety attack when he tried to talk to other people in a bar he visited. He tried to let them flirt but he could only panic and run home. Second one, Jongin and he had a ritual before sleeping, lazy kissing and nibbling, which his body needed so badly. Touching himself was never enough.

He truly considered returning.

He took a week off that he spent between home and grocery store, hiding inside his small space and trying to push all his thoughts out yet Jongin still managed to send him flowers and food to his address, which didn’t help at all. He missed Jongin more every day and the man wasn’t letting him move on.

“How is it even proving anything?” He huffed at the stuffed bear in displeasure. “He needs to let me try to move on and see for myself that I can’t live without him. That’s how it works.”

Yet the stuffed animal brought no answers or helped him figure himself out.

Once Baekhyun was back to work from his break, Jongin became insistent but the messages somehow got sadder. “The house feels empty without you –KJI.” “I caught myself making dinner for two and called for you. I fucking miss you, - KJI.” “I am quitting the job. I can’t handle it. I want you back. Fuck the career. –KJI.” “Come back, please. I can’t bear with how lonely I feel, right now. –KJI.”

Determined to end Jongin’s insistent pleading before anyone discovered their relationship, Baekhyun had to call him on his return to work. He went to Jongin’s office and knocked professionally. “Mr. Kim, can we talk? Privately.” Jongin looked up and frowned.

“Sure,” he said neutrally but once they were alone, he pulled Baekhyun to the emergency stairs then up to the roof. Once they reached the door of the rooftop, Jongin slammed him to the wall and kissed him eagerly. “Fuck, I missed you,” Jongin whimpered it as he suddenly hugged Baekhyun who allowed his tears to run down. He could tell Jongin was sobbing as much as him so he let them run.

Jongin took a moment to compose himself and looked up to meet Baekhyun’s eyes. The latter felt his heart suddenly squeeze at the pain in Jongin’s eyes. “You have to stop sending me gifts,” Baekhyun spoke and Jongin looked slapped before stepping back, “I don’t want you to force yourself to come out to them so you can get me back.”

“I don’t care about them, not anymore,” Jongin admitted looking away.

“I care about you, Jongin,” Baekhyun held Jongin’s cheek and made him look at him, “I care enough to stop you from making a mistake. You worked hard for this, you can’t quit, and you won’t quit.”

“But I miss you,” Jongin hissed, tearing up, “I can’t go home anymore. I can’t walk through the same way and not feel pain because you aren’t with me. I am sorry, Baekhyun, please come back home.”

The pain in Jongin’s face was enough for Baekhyun to give in, “I will, on one condition,” Jongin met his eyes and dried his cheeks, “I am the one who will quit the job. I never wanted to work in this company, I did it for you. I’ll quit and come back home and you’ll fuck me good because I missed you.”

“You sure know how to boost my mood,” Jongin teased and sniffed in delight, “do you have a career in mind?”

“Yeah, I will submit my resume to them soon,” Baekhyun assured, “so a week maybe?”

“A whole week without you? I can’t bear it,” Jongin pouted and Baekhyun kissed the pout before deepening the kiss. “I love you, Byun Baekhyun.”

“I love you too, Kim Jongin.” Baekhyun allowed Jongin to keep him in his embrace, finally enjoying his man’s presence and letting his heart rest.

They parted only to see the HR director, standing there with a smirk and a cigarette in his hand. The colors left Jongin’s face and Baekhyun didn’t know what to do. He slowly held on Jongin’s hand, squeezing it, letting the man walk closer. “You sure got taste, Baek.”

“Euh, thank you?” Baekhyun was as confused as he was nervous and he looked at Jongin who looked terrified beyond his mind. Once the man was out of the picture, they walked back to the company and Baekhyun pulled Jongin for one last kiss, “it will be fine. You will see.”

Jongin nodded, shaken, and kissed Baekhyun again before leaving him to his own office. Baekhyun tried to act like nothing happened and indeed, nothing truly happened since.

A week went by and Baekhyun managed to start a job in a different field, handing over his letter of resignation with another week's notice. “We will miss you among us, Mr. Byun,” the HR director said with a knowing smile.

That exact night, Jongin and he got home together. Baekhyun noticed the mess and sighed before taking off his vest. He was about to clean the table when arms wrapped him and squeezed the life out of him. “Hey! We can’t make dinner when there is mess everywhere,” Baekhyun whined with a chuckle, “let me clean the table, you get the laundry, we will make food and you can hug me all night.”

“I fucking missed you,” Jongin hissed and Baekhyun realized the man was silently sobbing. “I truly missed you.” Baekhyun’s cheeks were soon full of tears too, letting Jongin hold him a little longer.

They parted anyway and Baekhyun made sure to kiss Jongin’s tears and lips before pushing to get the clothes from the couch while he cleaned the table. They had the first full dinner together, speaking mindlessly about everything and anything. It was as if Baekhyun had never left. But he did and he knew that his choices had repercussions on Jongin, he was extra clingier, extra touchy, extra careful, and Baekhyun felt extra guilty of all that.

That night, Jongin was extra needy. They were feeling so equal that they switched more than often but that night, Jongin wanted Baekhyun to stay and Baekhyun tried to make him feel it. “I am not leaving you,” he said as he caressed the sleeping Jongin, “I am not going to do it again. It was hard on me too, Jongin. I can’t live without you.”

“Don’t go,” Jongin mumbled as he tightened his hold on Baekhyun a little more.

Baekhyun shed a tear as he kissed Jongin once more before sleeping, “I am not going.”

As Baekhyun started his new job, which was on the other side of the city, Jongin had to go to work alone and it was fine but Jongin felt weird the moment he went home without Baekhyun, facing the silence of the house first. He felt worried every single time, checking if Baekhyun was going home. “Yes, I will be home before you! See you soon;” Baekhyun will reassure but it didn’t ease the worries that built in Jongin’s heart during the entire “break up” period.

Baekhyun knew he was at fault; he was okay with Jongin being sensitive about it but still made sure to tell Jongin before they sleep, “I am not going to leave you anymore. You proved me wrong and I won’t leave.” Baekhyun whispered as he pushed Jongin’s hair out of his forehead where he planted a soft kiss. “I didn’t leave because of you, I left because of the society, because I can’t hold your hand in public, or call you my boyfriend so freely… worse… Society won’t let me marry you.”

Jongin sat up, surprised, happy and excited, before asking Baekhyun in disbelief, “You want to marry me?” Baekhyun nodded, “Baek…”

“I want to grow old with you, Jongin, and if we can’t be husbands when we do,” Baekhyun confessed as he leaned to kiss Jongin’s face softly, “I hope I can at least scream it to the world that I am the boyfriend of the most amazing man in the world. I want to stand on a roof and scream,” Baekhyun sat up and opened his arms before yelling, “Kim Jongin is my boyfriend and I love him!”

Jongin laughed, jumping on Baekhyun who laughed as well while Jongin kept on kissing him over and over, snuggling in bed, fingers running smooth on their skin, reconquering the known territories of each other’s bodies. The usual routines of their life, the happiest kind of routines, was back but with a hope for a happier future. Since then, Jongin made sure he wore the marks left by Baekhyun proudly the following day and Baekhyun for once was too greedy, keeping his marks for Jongin’s eyes only. 

  
  



End file.
